Shrinkage

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Being a man is tough business.

There’s shrinkage.

I know, I know.  Women ARE much tougher than men.  They have so many hormonal things going on all the time.  They squeeze watermelons (babies) out of a space the size of a dime.  Women even have to fend off big, hairy, smelly men from climbing all over them from about age twelve to one-hundred-two.

But allow me this pontification, will you?

Men suffer from shrinkage.

Get your minds out of the gutter!  I’m not talking about THAT.  Although, come to think of it, I haven’t seen THAT in some time so I have to assume it is part of…never mind.  I digress.  Focus, man!

Shrinkage means many things to men.  For instance, the hairline.  As our hairline recedes further towards the back of our heads, our mullets, er, I mean, our hair shrinks.  I prefer to think of it as my shiny parts growing.  Reverse psychology.

Shrinkage occurs with our money.  As the kids grow older and require cars and college educations, our wallets shrink.  When I apply my reverse psychology, my time alone to reflect on my aches and pains expands.  Much easier to digest rather than the shrinking time spent with my wheels.  Walking is good.  I hear.

Shrinkage occurs with our muscles.  I had muscles once.  They are still there, you just might have to search for them a little more than you had to a few decades ago.  True story, my muscle shrinkage has caused many spontaneous butt-cheek strains.  I have one now.  Wanna see it?

Shrinkage occurs with our time.  Admittedly, my time is measured differently than my wife’s time.  She works round the clock between her job, mothering the kids, taking care of stupid guys, cooking gourmet meals, tidying the messes we make, taking care of stupid guys…  Time loafing on the couch or napping in a hidden recess of the home have diminished as the extracurriculars of the children have increased, and the lack of a day job as an excuse for chores has given me more opportunities to prove I don’t belong around tools or anything mechanical, for that matter.

Shrinkage occurs with our focus, our eyesight, our hearing and other functions.  Helpful hint:  “hearing loss” blamed on years of loud heavy metal music is great for ignoring the times people are asking you for money or help, or requesting your attendance at a community get together.  Not that I’ve ever done it.  But I know people who swear by the ruse.

And, of course, THAT.

However, men don’t suffer shrinkage when it comes to love of their families, respect for their tireless wives, pride in their children’s achievements and growth, or desires to provide the best for the ones they love.  I truly believe this even though I fail to show it on a daily basis.  I am not worthy of the gifts that have been bestowed upon me.

BUT, in my defense, I suffer from shrinkage

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